The stars painted above me in the grand sky ,were beautiful. It is unknown the number of stars in the silent space, and that's was just incredible, in all the years humans have lived on the planet ,or will live, we will never have an exact number. The chilly breezes that casually drifted by gave a warmth to the atmosphere of the conversation with Mariah. Although just a friend i felt a connection, we had both been through alot and yet here we are. The memories from that night sank deep in my mind. We never talked again after that night, maybe it was because we were afraid of people knowing how broken we truly are ,but it did not matter.
As the new school year crept forward and summer came to its end, I began to text my friends from last year. I strived to get mentally ready, ready to get all the girls and be a damn genius. The year began and it seemed to be going by fast. I made a few friends but nothing truly special. I occasionally glanced over at a girl in my spanish she was truly a work of God. She had curly blonde hair and she had a vivacious personality . She had a great smile and also seemed quiet. Her short self was compensated by her great fashion sense. As the month progressed i didn't think much of her, she seemed out of my league but was too pretty to let go.
I began shifting my sights to a different girl i felt that she wasn't my type she was pretty but not my personal want. I kept to my word and began to talk to many girls it was tuff juggling all these relationships at once but I had no sympathy for the feelings i've hurt. I had been hurt before and didn't care for the future girls I hurt. Lunch seemed like the only easy part of the day. At lunch I occasionally hung out with a new friend i made. He was a African American, 15 year old named Paris. He was kind of awkward but I didn't care my reputation was solid, so hanging with him wouldn't hurt it. The only class we had was football and lunch so that seemed to be the only times we talked. Football was not really hard due to the fact that me and him being lanky and tall the coaches never really gave us a good look.We had a conversation about how rappers had it easy during a football practice. The money they had awed him, I felt it was stupid they made that much money and they wasted it on pointless things.
We spent the practice arguing about how rappers spend money when he had an idea to become a rapper. I offered to help him and he took it the wrong way, as soon as I offered he began to create plans for the songs. I was completely shook by the idea but i let it happen because it seemed fun. The best thing about being a rapper wasn't the fame or the music it was the exposure in the diverse crowds in the school. Although i didn't really wanna be a rapper, being a rapper was fun it seemed to give a certain touch to my personality that I admired.
School began to speed by as a rapper, many said i had to take the role of a rapper which came as no surprise. My first song was a fairly decent song in mine and many others opinion.
The time flew by as we tried making new songs but we never go to it, or at least I didn't. Many girls started approaching me with was bad since i had just began talking to Nicole. I was confused to why a girl like Nicole, beautiful and nice, would wanna talk to me. I felt obligated to stay loyal and committed to her, so i avoided other girls. After about two weeks of talking we decided to go out.
I remember it was a cold cloudy day but the ambiance of being with her made the day feel beautiful. We went to the movies and i felt tense ,because i felt she maybe wanted a type of "friends only" date. She must of caught on because midway in the movie she grabbed my arm and kind of hugged me, I felt a little more eased and happy. The night seemed magical after a while we ended up just holding hands and hugging it seemed more of a couple thing than a sexual relationship. We ended up having a closer tie with each other after that night
As the day came to an end i found myself just thinking in general about the conversation with Mariah. It sent me spiralling to a deep pit of mental sadness. As the week went by and friday arrived, It seemed it was a casual day, I felt happy or was it just the fact it was a friday I could not tell. A fight had just been instigated by my friend and although I could have stopped it, i felt curious to see where this led. As soon as the fight broke out i instantly felt happy for letting it happen It seemed like a hamster was fighting a mantis the little hamster to short and the mantis too tall and skinny.
It was 7th period meaning one more period to go, i was happiest at this time of the day because it was when i had class with nicole and when i got to walk her to class. As i walked her to class I had a short conversation before dropping her off. We stopped to hug like usually but she then looked me in the eyes grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek. I was astonished and happy she had done it. She gave me a big hug and then walked to her class. That sadly was the last time i saw her, the last time I saw anyone at that school.
"Well maybe she was just talking to you to get with Henry again or make him jealous."
"Yea Nicole would do something like that." My heart sank as i said that with despair.
Emory was right she was Nicole's best friend she knows her best. I then started coming back to reality realizing it was all a dream. I didn't notice i was tearing up but the dream felt so real and was in tune with reality. Nicole was a, I guess you could say, cold hearted girl. Sadly it's not for me to say, or even talk to her I moved cities and I didnt get a chance to say goodbye. I was forced to move in with my grandparent picking up a very bland, repetitive routine.
My life seemed a bit lonesome, especially starting in a new school I had only one friend and i'm not even sure if she was a friend yet. She seemed nice, especially for talking to the new kid. I felt like i needed a friend so Cassandra would have to do. She invited me to a party she wanted to go too, i felt hesitant on going especially since i was new ,but i looked on it as an opportunity to meet new people.
As i begin my tread to school i noticed the sky above me, dark, it looked like it had been painted black. The cold breeze of autumn mixed with the dark clouds hinted to rain progressing. As i walk alone in the wet foggy street to school i find myself thinking, i never really been with the crowd . I for sure stand out but never really stay relevant in a conversation. This day was like any other, except i was still trying to get the hang of things in this new environment. I felt bad about how I left everything without even the simplest goodbye, friends who i often considered family wondering what happened.
I often wondered if i loved her but the concept of love seemed to scare me. I often visualized love as a lie but in the middle is something real and pure that all people try to reach. Many say it's like a mindset but in reality its a illusion by how its perceived. To those who feel empty love can be found in anyone as a fill of the void in you created. Love was never there it's just the sense of fulfillment and temporary feeling of happiness that isn't real, but to others love is magical and something you strive for. Molded by the society around love may seem… "perfect".
As the day progresses so does the wind. The wind comes in strong gusts and then it calms and the mountains in the distance look beautiful i stand still to admire the beauty. The dark clouds rested on the light grey sky above the mountain, it seemed as if they touched heaven. The dark clouds streak the top of the mountains. I imagine myself on the mountains, feeling as if i'm on top of the world. The idea of being in the sky remains implanted in my mind throughout the day.
My awareness of time seemed to be muddled, due to the bland routine i didn't know what day it was. I lived everyday the same way and could rarely remember what went on. It seemed as i went through the motions but never really have the spirit in me, as the weeks pass by i feel more and more tired. I wake up tired and try to get by the days. Occasionally feeling horrible and hating myself more and more each day, i still get by.
As the new yet expected school day finally subsides I arrived home, and lay down on my bed. I scroll through my instagram and hope for a message from Nicole but it never arrives. To try to get my mind off the struggles of life i watch videos of space. I loved space my whole life but i know i'll never be able to live to see it. The video i watched explaining how large space is and i began thinking and wondered if anything we do matters, in the grand scheme of thing nothing matters except memories we have with others we care about. My eyes seemed to be getting heavy till the point i let the waves of sleep drown me to the next morning.
As Nicole and I strolled in the mall with Emory i noticed a guy kept looking at her. It seemed he was with a girl but then he proceeded to ask Nicole for her number. I thought she would say no, or ignore him since i was with her, but instead she handed him her number. I was heavy hearted from what had just occurred and what she said lodged in my mind.
"I mean why not i don't have that many people to talk to."
The short response, she said to him hit me hard. My heart started beating heavily and everything blurred. I realized it had been another dream. I felt lost i between reality and mind, my dreams felt so vivid and real. I got ready for the day thinking about the reason i was feeling the way i was. I looked in the mirror and saw a peasant. I hated who I was now, I felt like I needed to get out somewhere anywhere. I spent the day cleaning and working and finally got rest as the sun began to set.
Looking at the sun set, I began to feel grateful for the change of scenery, but it cost losing my friends and family in my old town. An abrupt knock on the door snapped me to reality, it was Cassandra. I had completely forgotten about the party. I let her in and asked why i wasn't ready. She waited in the living room as I showered and rushed putting on a ubiquitous rose flannel and some dark green jeans I had. When I got to the living room she was watching a show. She told me there was no rush since the party was later at night which made me a little frustrated for making me think I was late. I sat down and I never really got a good look at her till then. She was a tall hispanic girl with bangs. She had quite a interesting sense of humor, i found myself staring at her and she snapped at me.
"Nothing just never really had a good look at you."
" Uh Huh whatever… So what type of things u like to do, your house seems bland."
"Uhh excuse you my house is not 'bland'. But I usually just watch youtube videos and clean and workout you know the usual. " She then threw the remote at me signaling to put something i like on the television. I sat down beside her and put a video of space. She abruptly asked if i have a girlfriend.
"Ye- Umm no not anymore or... well no." she looked at me quizzically and .
'Oof sounds tough what happened? "
" Uhhh i'm not sure i guess she just stopped talking to me but its whatever i dont 'love'."
"What no everyone loves." I got angry after she said that and i began ranting.
" You don't understand ! Like i never liked any of the girls i messed around with like i did Nicole, Nicole was different i thought she was a girl i could love. I'm always thinking of how we went out and watched a movie and held hands and i miss her, but no. You know why ,because love is nonexistent.To many it's like a mindset but in reality its a illusion by how its perceived. To those who feel empty love can be found in anyone as a fill of the void in you created. Love was never there it's just the sense of fulfillment and temporary feeling of happiness that isn't real . Like come on Cass it's obvious, love is a waste. She was scared to get in another relationship and me well i don't know about me i just don't do the whole love thing. I'm just not into it, in the end no one will be there for you and that's the reality and the last thing you'll think before you go is think was it all worth it. I don't know but i feel like i'm wasting my time and there's not enough time for someone like me. Ummm i'm sorry i didn't mean to yell at you."
"Dont worry its fine you just got with the wrong girls. Not your fault." What she said calmed me down, maybe i just tried to love the wrong girls. She got up opened the door and then said it was time to go.
She seemed excited and on the car ride to the party took out pills. I immediately thought
"Ummm no that is not what i need at the moment." The thought past when she said it wasn't anything bad, in the back of my mind i knew it was drugs but i didn't really care i felt like i needed and escape from reality.
My state of mind changed almost immediately after i popped the pill, everything seemed to have a humorous side. The party seemed to be in a house close to downtown so the neighborhood wasn't the best. Entering the house gave a burdensome smell of smoke and liquor. The music was blaring loud enough to be heard a few houses down and Cassandra had disappeared in crowd of people. I had began to hallucinate from the pill this seemed like it would be a bad trip. I felt like i needed to drink water but the only liquids i could find were vodka ,beer and, bourbon. I decided to just drink whatever i could find, i felt everything begin to get blurry and everything started to shake.
I went to a corner chair in the house to just try to get a grip of reality but then i just blackout and found myself in front of a mirror i looked at myself i was a mess i looked around, i was in the bathroom it was a yellow small unkempt bathroom. I began to hear voices and they began overlapping the loud music. I looked to the right of the bathroom and everything on that side was white. I slowly crept toward the white, i reached out with my finger my hand now hovering in the white i blacked out and found myself in a white room with nothing in it. There was nothing just white I lifted my hand up to see if i could see myself and my hand was blurred and seemed to be phasing.
It seemed as if i was still at the party but yet i wasn't, i had brief flashes of the party but i kept seeing white. I then began to wonder where Cassandra was, I asked myself if she was going through the same thing ? It went completely quiet and i heard a soft voice, it was familiar it made me happy, it was Nicole's it progressively got louder and in the distance of the blank room i saw her. She was facing away i started to run towards her but she just disappeared stayed the same distance away. I heard her voice all around me.
"I knew i was wasting my time, it went exactly how i thought it would."
That collection of words devastated me when she told me that days before i left, and now i hear it all around i fell to my knees and quivered, tears began forcing themselves out and streaming through my face. My body felt weak my heart racing and my mind freaking out i was in a low place in my health and felt horrible. I wish i didn't have a heart to love, but sadly love brought me to the situation i am in now. I began to think about how i get here, i remember it began with a casual conversation. You complimented my outfit, i complimented your huge oversized jacket but even then you seemed familiar. We had met before but never really talked.
We were strangers but it seemed as if we had known each other our whole lives. I went spiralling into a void of inviolable emotions, memories engraved in my mind of everything i left behind.
It seemed as if i had been zoned out for minutes but as i began to go back into reality i was on the soft wet grass, i couldn't get up, it seemed as i had been fused into the earth entangled with the soft blades of grass. The sun light painting a layer of warmth on my face gave me a sense of joy along with the gentle breeze of the soft autumn air. but it all disappeared in a blink of an eye i was back in the desolate white room. In the distance of the vast white i saw a void of darkness. I approached in hopes of leaving, and as i strolled closer i noticed the beauty of the void , it was space, there seemed to be a nebula on the other side. All my life i dreamed to be able to see space and i just did.
I began to feel weightless as i drew closer the nebula was a heavenly mix of colors all put together creating aesthetic pleasure. I felt my heart begin to pace at high speeds i looked around and saw black inching towards me as if i was the center. I began thinking of what was going on and asked myself is this what death was like, a tear gently streamed down my cheek as the darkness came closer i thought of nicole as my imminent end came and my thought faded along with my vision and my sense of touch. The life humanity has worked to create seems like the center of the world, but in reality the universe has been around for years before and will be here long after humans disappear. In the great grand scheme of things we are just tiny specks who will one day be forgotten and the only thing that matters are small memories made...
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